[Vilturj] Fear

[moonvoice]

I work a lot with the emotion fear, since it is - at this stage in my life - my core emotion, the one that informs most of my life decisions (often mistakenly) and the emotion that also governs a great deal of my personal thought processes and such. It’s not the healthiest way to be, and I know this, and I’m working on it. In the meantime I work on ways to manipulate fear to my advantage.

The majority of my shamanic ‘work’ is done in the underworld, usually in a few core locations. The first and perhaps the most significant for me is the dead forest. It’s a place that I’ve heard of some others encountering before too. A place where the ground is dead, the trees are skeletal, the animals are skeletons, dead, or dying, and there is a sense of preternatural stillness. This place stays with me once I leave it, and I can’t rid myself of the feel of the humid air clinging to me, or the actual smell of dessicated decay out of my nose. And I don’t actually mind this either, because it constantly reminds me to ruminate over what I’ve experienced. After all, I don’t go to this place to find the soul fragments of others, I go to explore the voids within myself.

There are certain gods I tend to be visited by in this forest. Not Ucza, as I have come to expect (since she is the governing power, I believe, behind this place). Instead there is the wiry, fear-mongering, Zirczekaja. And there is the trickster and ‘don’t-trust-him-even-though-he-looks-great’ Lesavny.

Zirczekaja is a god that helps people to confront their fears, perhaps because he is so fearful, and very much so because you know that he would stop at nothing to get the message across. Some Vilturj gods - or my experiences of them - are quite unforgiving. You either pass the test, or you’re a bit of a write off. I suppose it depends on the deity or the spirits though. There are Vilturj deities like Vasilia who can be very forgiving, and others like Zirczekaja who… I wouldn’t recommend anyone evoke/invoke just for the hell of it.

But the local spirits are like this too. Koondoola has some forgiving spirits (which I’m going to have to give names one of these days, because a lot of my research has yielded nothing), but local bushland and the land in general also have the kind of spirits that are blood-thirsty, feed off fear, or just simply want nothing to do with us and don’t care about ‘people.’ They don’t need us, they will exist without us, and trying to petition them for contact or understanding can be met with a whole lot of being thrown out of your journey.

I’m rambling.

The point is that fear is something that governs a great deal of my life, including my spiritual one. Yes, I may be a tad more confident in the otherworlds than in this world, but I have also been caught fleeing from a predator in the otherworlds, and yes, my strength has failed me before too. I may have reasons for this, but it doesn’t stop it from being a completely humiliating fact. Lol.

I have a journey, or series of journeys coming up… where I am to voluntarily confront Zirczekaja. And I must admit I’ve been putting it off. And he’s been letting me, aside from sometimes haunting my dreams and my real life. I know that I just need to grit my teeth and commit to it, and yet again I find that fear holds me back. Sometimes it doesn’t matter how many demons you’ve negotiated with in the otherworlds, it doesn’t matter how many perevrnji (spirit helpers) you have, it doesn’t matter how many successful soul retrievals or extractions you’ve done.

None of that matters, when it comes to battling your own inner demons.

I sometimes just want to escape it all. To work elsewhere. To not constantly find myself in this dead forest, with the tasks I have. Shamanism is not an easy path, or if it is, I’m doing it wrong. ;) But in all seriousness, you ever get that feeling where you just want to go ‘okay, so… no, I’m not doing this. Too scary. Sorry!’

I will do it anyway. Raven’s instincts are to fly away from danger, but the fishing cat knows better, it can sense that in the murky pond, are some nourishing fish, and its willing to leap in feet first to find out just where they are.

I am learning, slowly, to trust my feline side. I am so used to bird-jumpiness, fear and being anxious. But now it is time to actually look in the other direction and trust in that other part of me which instinctively knows how to make the big jump. Which knows that I actually need and crave touch in order to survive. That I need to hunt in the dark and murky places in order to find nourishment. That sometimes the places that seem to feature the most death (like swamps, and the dead forest) are actually the places that are teeming with the most life.

Thylacoleo also helps. He has a workman-like manner about him. A sort of, ‘I will do this because I have to, and how I feel doesn’t matter.’ This is what I have with many aspects of my own existence, except with a series of recent events where I find myself - claws out and wings spread to escape - just absolutely dying to get away.

But that’s the whole point isn’t it? My health is shot to pieces. I am literally in some ways, dying to get away.

It is my responsibility to take hold of my fear, and also of the illness, in order to see what it really wants to communicate to me. I have taken long enough. Sometimes it’s just a matter of accepting where you want to go, instead of fighting against the method of journeying.

Zirczekaja knows what he’s on about, but I expect that I might have some interesting journeys to talk about soon!


also at Wildspeak blog

Comments

[shimmerhawk.livejournal.com]

Thank you for sharing. :) I find this all very fascinating because of experiences with other places in the spirit world. But I don't know how 'real' they are compared to what you're describing, and I don't know how to further develop my knowledge about them to an extent anywhere near what you've done. I would love to learn more about this if you have any advice or can recommend any reading.

A dead forest was actually one of the inspirations for the 'sorrow book' that I made a while back (in my DA gallery), because I always visualized myself in such a place at that time. It was a bit different than what you're describing though.

The fear aspect of this is also quite interesting.

[moonvoice.livejournal.com]

I think there are multiple dead forests actually, but they do seem to be a commonality in many people's experiences and not necessarily tied down by culture either. :)

[shimmerhawk.livejournal.com]

Interesting, I wonder why. Thanks!

[mirrorred-star.livejournal.com]

It seems that every direction you turn, you're fighting against something. Lucky you :P

[iphin.livejournal.com]

Trust the kitten. I'm looking forward to hearing about your journeys:)

[tsukikokoro.livejournal.com]

I look forward to hearing about these particular journeys. I still don't understand why, but I want to hear as much as possible on Zirczekaja - but I'm fucking crazy, I think. He'd probably have be covered in termites, forcing my hair into a tick nest of some sort. XP

Anyways... if this year has taught me anything, and it's taught me a lot of things, it's that one must always move forward. If they are to grow any stronger; if they are to be just that bit happier, feel that much more accomplished; if they are to find the world an easier place to live, they must move forward. The world responds very kindly to that will (which is why it's easier to be in). Your body responds to that will, since it was built to feel that way.

I think... there is no place for fear, only humility and caution. To quote a new favorite anime: "Kick reality to the curb and do the impossible!" Have I quoted that to you before?

[x-raeya-x.livejournal.com]

Some profound observations in here, hon, and it is in this sort of talk that your strength shows through. I know you don't consider yourself strong or brave at all, but to be able to look at yourself and your path in this manner and keep moving forward is something that a lot of people simply can't (or wont) do. This entry, to me, shows a level of strength that few people posses.