You gave me an idea.
I thought about sterilizing myself (because ... I don't know why, exactly, but it was a comforting thought when I was down). I feel good most of the time now and I don't think those thoughts regularly anymore, but I think my reproductive organs are not healthy. I think ... A certain damage was done and not repaired yet. When I'm writing this, contacting the spirit of my reproductive organs (this is the closest I can imagine to the spirit of my womanhood) feels more and more as "right", as "something that will work".
It's strange, I was thinking on and off for a while now, what should I do, and here's the answer.